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The Not Good Enough Wound: Perfectionists & People Pleasers

Updated: Nov 7, 2023



Eclipses help us identify, process and release what no longer serves us in order to make room for new beginnings coming our way.


And that isn’t always an easy process. It's also not easy to recognize our wounds at play.


So for many with trauma and wounding around feeling “not good enough”, or those who are perfectionists, it appears as though the latest eclipse season has done its job incredibly well.


And since I have seen this theme over and over in recent client readings, let’s explore this a little deeper based on what consistently comes out of the Akashic Records...


Perfectionism

I have a lot of compassion for those who struggle with perfectionism, because the “not good enough wound” eventually/consistently shows up in ALL their close relationships. This wound causes them to be hyper-critical of the people in their life due to the expectation of perfectionism, striving for flawlessness in everything they do. They set extremely high standards for themselves and can be highly critical of others (and themselves) when these standards are not met. They are also highly critical of those who aren’t doing things the way they think they "should" be done.


The difficulty with this is that expectation is placed upon our closest people without the benefit of conversation to let the other person know they’re not currently meeting our needs (that are often impossibly high and unrealistic in the first place).


People Pleasing

People pleasing and perfectionism are two sides of the same coin.


Pleasers need approval from others to feel good about themselves, and go to great lengths to get it, deriving their self-worth from making others happy. But they also spin themselves into a mind-f*ck when they think they may have upset someone, overthinking every little detail of the scene over and over into exhaustion. As a result, their people pleasing tendencies create difficulty in communicating and asking for their needs to be met, setting legit boundaries, etc.


That’s a big problem.

  • First, we have to ask for our needs to be met. We can’t expect our people to automatically know or intuit our needs. By asking, we also give those people the opportunity and the grace to meet our needs (or at least sincerely TRY).

  • Second, those with a “not good enough” wound also typically look for approval and validation from others, striving for perfection so as not to lose that approval. We're never going to find our own value in another. Ever.

  • Third, without an honest, vulnerable conversation, you’re setting an incredibly high standard that can be impossible to meet. No one person can meet our needs 100% of the time.


A Diversity of People In Our Lives

One of the beautiful things about having a diversity of people in our lives is that we have a variety of souls to meet all our various needs…

  • One person is the nurturer,

  • Another brings the lightness, fun & adventure,

  • You can get deep and introspective with one,

  • And yet another is the reliable, dependable, ride or die…

When we cultivate an inner circle of diversity among our friends personalities, there are no expectations put on just one person to meet all of our needs. Honestly, it’s simply not possible for one person to carry that burden and it’s incredibly unfair to put that expectation on them.


Hints and innuendo’s are not open, honest communication; we have to be able to have the difficult conversations with people, especially when the issue is our own.


Most people dislike confrontation, and as a result, resentment is the #1 killer of harmonious connections because of what goes unsaid.


So if you find yourself consistently feeling disappointed, let down or hyper critical of the people closest to you… and if you use the criteria that they don’t “deserve” your friendship or energy while also shutting them out - you’re not only making them carry the burden of an unspoken expectation, but also the burden of not understanding WHY the friendship or relationship ended.


They may not be capable of carrying this, especially if they aren’t aware of this requirement to continue the relationship.


Mirrors and Soul Contracts

Another thing that’s important to keep in mind - our relationships are mirrors that show us where we need to do the inner work. They show us where our expectations are, as well as the type of energy we’re a vibrational match for. So if you’re constantly disappointed with your relationships or your inability to feel connected to others, it’s important to keep in mind that they are in your life for a reason and can offer valuable insight :

  • They can give you the opportunity to work through your relationship challenges.

  • Offer tangible evidence to help you see what and where you still need to do inner work.

  • Give you the opportunity to set stronger boundaries and healthy expectations in your life.

  • Addressing and eliminating the wounding that causes you to have expectations that are difficult or impossible to meet.

In the Life Between Life phase of existence, we create Soul Contracts with other souls to help up expand spiritually. This includes difficult connections and those with the most opportunity to grow as a result.


The Not Good Enough Wound Spiritually

My work in the Akashic Records consistently shows me a soul's karmic lessons. For most of us, any negative core programming are a result of the following two wounds:

  1. I am flawed and therefore not acceptable.

  2. I must change or fix something about myself in order to be acceptable.

These beliefs are the result of what we have learned since the beginning of our existence and has continued to contribute to a false self-image we carry in our subconscious/Akashic Record.

Feeling unworthy doesn’t make you an unworthy person.

When we accept the parts of ourselves we most struggle to love, we connect with our Higher-Self consciousness who wholly loves and accepts our human-self, just as we are, allowing, accepting, and embracing without judgment.


Learning To Accept Our Closest People Where They’re At

Self-acceptance leads to a sincere acceptance of others. This also means releasing the expectations around how you think people should act and fill your needs. It also means releasing any superiority complexes around feeling “more” evolved spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Once you make this shift, you can then be open and accept people where they’re at, in order to focus ONLY on the joy they bring to your life, not what they don’t bring to your life.


Our expectations are primarily based on the needs we look to others to satisfy. But the truth is that only WE can satisfy our core emotional needs:

  • A secure attachment style

  • Feeling free and safe to express needs and feelings

  • A secure sense of identity

  • Laughter, fun and adventure

  • Realistic boundaries and self-control

To help zero in our your expectations, ask yourself:

  • What unfulfilled needs of mine may be subconsciously influencing my expectations of others?

  • Am I looking for them to fulfill those needs?

  • Can they realistically fulfill those needs, even if they wanted to?

And to those of you on the other side of a perfectionist/not good enough/people pleaser wound… I think you owe it to yourself to look at the energy & trust you put into that relationship, and then determine if it supports what YOU need as well. When we cant trust that another will be able to hold space for OUR wounding without "taking the love away", then you are simply in a co-dependent relationship which is an incredibly dysfunctional entanglement.

  • Healthy relationships connect us with people who are able to communicate with us, and who have the emotional capacity to let us know when they don’t feel like they’re getting what they need from us.

  • Healthy relationships contain people who will give us the grace to make an effort to change or meet another’s needs, without immediately shutting-out, rejecting or abandoning the relationship/connection.

If we can’t trust that a relationship is going to be a safe place to explore our joys AND our wounds, then it’s not a relationship that is going to feel safe to be in long-term.


_________________


If this post resonates with you and if you find yourself struggling within a relationship or friendship, it may be time to seek help from a therapist or counselor. There is zero shame in learning how to break free from the challenges that hold you back.


The fact that it has come up SO many times in the last few weeks tells me it’s an issue that is impacting many for a very specific reason. When you're clear on what you want, the Universe can be clear in what it needs to send you. I hope this was helpful <3

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